30 Days of Truth - Day 1 with no promise of Day 2

I want to blog more, but I want to do it on my terms. I don't like feeling pressured to post because of this reason or that reason. Now mind you, it's not as though I have this cult following that is just crying out for me to write because they can't live a day without reading my rambling prose. Yeah, I have no following. I think all of maybe 3 people may read what I write, and that's okay. Anyway, I've said all of that to say that I am going to try to blog more, but basically just because I'm tired of writing all of this academic crap for school and sometimes I just need to write for the sheer shit of writing.

I'm going to try to do the whole 30 Days of Truth meme. I'm not guaranteeing that I'll be able to do the 30 days consecutively. That's not likely to happen and if it does, I'll be outrageously surprised....but I digress. So, Thirty Days of Truth. This oughta be interesting.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

I hate that I allow myself to fall so easily in love (or even fall in serious "like") with someone. I'm not saying that I fall in love with a guy after three dates. Not at all. But I'm a very emotional person and I have a very difficult time keeping emotions out of the picture when I'm dating. This is why one-night-stands don't work well for me. I let my emotions get the better of me and I'm almost incapable of keeping things just strictly on a friends with benefits level.

I wish that I was the type of woman who could completely detach her emotions and leave them on the doorstep and just be capable of having fun with a guy without worrying about commitment or wondering what kind of future we might have. And again, I'm not saying that these emotions rear themselves in the first month of dating. I'm talking about when I've dated a guy or been involved with a guy for several months. And the crux of the matter is, that almost every single time I allow my emotions to escape the wall I've built around my heart, it comes back to bite me in the ass. As soon as I let on to a guy that I am having feelings for him or that I really like him, he bails on me. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. So I've really shut men out of my life. The only guys I allow myself to talk to are guys that I've known for several years. I hate that I can't allow myself to just really throw myself self out there, heart and soul but it's never going to happen. I just can't allow myself to be hurt anymore. I hate that about me.